Every once in a while, the gratuitous punching of buttons, or as it's known colloquially, television channel-surfing, leads you to something so strange, so deliciously exotic, that you thank the Lord for blessing you with adult attention deficit disorder. This time, it was the channel I only know as channel 13. Or is it channel 18? Ah, it's not important. As I was watching it, a half-empty beer bottle in my hand, it dawned upon me that the narrative unfolding on the screen was some kind of a superhero series. I was thrilled. I fucking love superheroes. I began to watch it in earnest.
The opening scene began with the superhero, clad in a kind of purple / yellowish colored outfit with a face-half-covering mask and all, talking to a kid, who was working on a laptop. The kid, named Steven, appeared to be an artist of some kind, involved in creating a comic strip. The comic strip appeared to feature the superhero himself. Kind of an odd premise, but I watched on.
Superhero : You know Steven, I am not too happy with the way you have portrayed me in this picture. You've drawn me too well.
kid : But it makes me look good if I draw you well.
Superhero: But Steven, the comic should make kids focus on God, not me.
Like a punch in the gut, the superhero's words startled me and awoke me from my alcoholic stupor. What a strange thing to say, for a superhero. I became doubly attentive to what was happening.
kid : But if I don't make you look good, then it makes me look bad, because people will think I'm a lousy artist.
The kid and the superhero then had a big argument, which culminated with the kid leaving the room in a huff.
Suddenly, a green-costumed dude jumped out of the wall. Right out of the wall, I tell ya. His appearance and the fact that he had a menacing green monocle on his right eye led me to believe he might be the villain. I was right. The superhero and the green dude then proceeded to engage in hand-to-hand combat and some trash-talking.
Green Dude : You think you are humble dont you?
Green Dude : Or maybe you are just too proud?
Superhero : I'm not proud. The bible warns against pridefulness.
The *What* warns against *What*? I blinked in perplexity, as if someone had just slapped me in the face with a tunafish. What the fuck was it with this superhero?
The fight over, the green villain vanquished for the moment, the pious superhero stood alone, exhausted and panting. Enter a black dude who could have been the superhero's sidekick.
Superhero : How did your talk with Steven go?
Black Sidekick Dude : Good. He said something had messed with his head, but he's ok now.
Superhero : You know, I would like to spend some time alone in prayer.
Boy, this was an entirely different type of superhero from the kind I had been accustomed to. Then, apparently realizing that the narrative might have become a bit too complex for newer viewers to follow, Unseen Voiceover Guy began a narrative that would provide a glimpse into what the fuck was happening and why. Flashback to a suited gentleman, clutching a briefcase in the rain, seemingly frustrated and gazing up at the heavens apparently in agony.
Miles Peterson was a man who had it all: wealth, status, success. Still, something was lacking. Then, in his darkest hour, the words of a single book gave Miles Peterson the burning desire to know God. Now, transformed by the Word of the Lord and empowered by His strength, Miles Peterson lives out a pledge to fight evil in the name of God, under the identity of the mighty avenger of truth known as Bibleman.
Bibleman? Yes, Bibleman. The identity of the strange religious superhero was finally uncovered. Praise be to the Lord!
The narrative then fast-forwarded back to the present, where Bibleman was finishing his prayers, bible in hand. A word about the superhero's costume. It was noisy. And by noisy, I mean fucking deafening. It was made of some kind of thick polyethylene, you know, the kind most things at Toys-R-Us are made out of. And whenever Bibleman moved, even a bit, it brushed against itself and it creaked like a honeymooners' bed. But, back to the narrative.
Enter again the black dude from before. Bibleman was just finishing up his prayers.
Bibleman: Lord give me strength, Jesus.
Bibleman seemed to be a bit perturbed at this intrusion. The black dude and Bibleman both seemed unnaturally embarassed, as if the black dude had caught Bibleman masturbating to a picture of the virgin Mary.
Black Dude: Sorry to interrupt.
Bibleman:Thats ok, I've been praying on and off all morning.
Switch to the green villain's lair, where the villain and his sidekick were engaged in some kind of unidentified skullduggery, involving a computer.
Ludicrous : Something smells here, prince.
Green Villain : Gee Ludicrous, maybe it's because we live in a sewer.
Boy, I love those smart-alecky villains.
Green Villain (to his computer) : Luci, shut down Bibleman's computer by sending it an E-mail. That is, E for Ego. Ha ha ha.
My mind slowly began to comprehend what was happening. The Green Villain, known as the "Prince of Pride", was trying to incite people to be "prideful", and thus, going against God's will, by pelting them with some kind of a red pride-inducing ray. That was the reason why the kid Steven had gotten pissed off at Bibleman. He had been pelted with pride about his comic strip. And Bibleman was trying to stop the Prince from achieving his objective. It was a holy allegorical war. Awe-fucking-some!
But back to Bibleman's Bible-cave. The Prince of Pride reappeared.
Prince : How is the lovely couple?
Bibleman : Schnikies!
Schnikies? Thats a new one. I like it. I shall keep it.
The battle resumed, this time with the aid of lasers. A lot of creaking of heavy plastic costumes was involved as well. And man oh man, those were some pretty nifty mega-budget special effects. The fight was interspersed with conversation between the two combatants, mostly of a scriptural nature.
Bibleman : You've been voted villain least likely to succeed.
Prince : Says who?
Bibleman : Says in Proverbs 16:18. Pride comes before destruction.
Black Sidekick Dude was still busy, trying to resuscitate his computer, which had been Ego-fied by the villain's computer. Finally, he succeeded.
Black Sidekick Dude : Unice, run the anti-virus and delete all the data that isn't obedient to Christ.
Unice (the good computer) : Roger, Black Sidekick Dude.
Back in Superheroland, the fight still continued. During the course of the battle, Bibleman began asking the Prince of Pride some trivia questions. Probably to take both their minds off the ongoing super-violence.
Bibleman : Exodus, 15:7 : And in the greatness of thine excellency thou overthrowest them that rise up against thee: Thou sendest forth thy wrath, it consumeth them as stubble.
Prince : I give up. Who is it?
Prince: I was never good at trivia.
Bibleman (enraged) : God isnt trivial!
Bibleman : Deuteronomy, 10:7 : For the LORD your God is God of gods, and Lord of lords, a great God, a mighty, and a terrible, who regardeth not persons, nor taketh reward.
God of Gods, thats a mouthful. The Prince, in order to pay attention to what Bibleman was saying, had momentarily ceased his assault and was pondering over this nugget of bibletalk. Taking advantage of this, Bibleman, in an extremely sneaky and unGodly manoeuver, threw the Prince over onto a bunch of electrical circuitry where he was fried, green shit splashing onto the surrounding walls. Yummy!
Facing the viewer, Bibleman then imparted his final words of wisdom.
Bibleman: Pride and destruction go together like liver and onions, like toenails and cheese.
Toenails and cheese? Mmkay....if you say so. Note to self : Quit eating cheese.
Bibleman : Its ok to be proud of your accomplishments but not prideful in your actions. But there is someone who will always be proud of you and that is Jesus Christ. If you want to have Jesus Christ in your life, speak to your parents or your pastor. It is then that you will possess the full armor of God.
Being pretty inebriated by this time, I quickly put through a call to my folks and talked to them about not having enough armor on my body. The next thing I know, they had purchased a plane ticket and were flying here to check what the fuck was wrong with me.