Tuesday, October 18, 2005

General Motors to strip customers of jobs, health coverage

Continuing with it's hugely successful advertisement campaign of treating customers like it would treat it's own employees ("You pay what we pay, not a cent more"), General Motors, the world's biggest automobile company, has announced that it will be laying off it's customers and divesting them of their health coverage.(via Raw Story)

In a press release, Paul Ballew, GM's executive director of market and industry analysis said, "GM's long term strategy has always been to treat our customers as if they were a part of our extended employee family. And now, with GM's decision of downgrading employee health benefits as well as laying off 25,000 employees by 2008, our customers would be eligible for those same benefits as well."

In order to ease GM's transition into a company with no customers, GM has stated that it's customers will be stripped of their jobs gradually in phases, those owning compact and sub-compact cars to be laid off first, followed by family sedans and finally finishing off with owners of large SUVs and sports cars.

In related news,
in order to assist the ailing American automobile industry, the US government has come up with a plan to attack rising gasoline prices by striking at the root of the problem, namely, oil trader anxiety. The Bush adminitration, showing a rare spark of brilliance, has submitted a proposal to Congress, whereby, oil traders will be eligible for free anxiety counselling sessions, which will aim at trying to reduce sudden urges to buy or sell oil based on an attack of the nerves.

"Most gas price fluctuations occur due to irrational exuberance or nervousness on the part of oil traders", commented a senior administration official. " In order to stabilize gasoline prices, it will therefore, be necessary for oil traders to stop acting like teenage girls hopped up on sweaty gym shorts and act like the grown men and women they are. Attending therapy sessions will help in that respect."

An oil trader on being asked to comment on this novel government scheme, replied "Woah you startled me, don't do that again."

In other unrelated news, the Catholic Church, in an extremely progressive move, has admitted that a number of biblical teachings might actually be untrue, such as the origin of Mankind from the first couple, Adam and Eve, as well as Eve being created out of Adam's rib. The church has also sent a reminder to Tom Friedman, telling him it is high time he quit claiming the world is flat.

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