Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Iraqi insurgents to defy US occupation by consuming pork

After slaughtering a number of Iraqi Muslims in a mosque on the first day of Ramzan, the Islamic religious holiday, Islamic insurgents in Iraq have declared their intention of continuing their religious war, or jihad, against American occupiers by consuming pork.

In an interview with Al-Jazeera, an insurgent leader, Sheikh Osama bin Laden (not his real name) said "Since all our efforts at dislodging American troops from Iraq, such as blowing up our own people and suicide bombing our own places of worship have failed, we have no other option left than to eat pork, a meat reviled by our own religion. A nationwide consumption of pork would surely deal a major theological blow to the occupying infidels."

President Bush's response to this insurgent challenge has been swift and bold. "Bring it on", thundered the president from his podium in the White House press room. "Preferably slow roasted, with baked beans on the side", he added, smacking his lips.

The hard-right conservative Republican lobby in the senate has authorized the president to counter this challenge in the strongest possible terms. "We have to destroy all the pork here so that we don't have to fight the consumption of pork over there", said Sen. John Cornyn (R) Texas.

Democrats, however, have urged caution. "Before we make any hasty decisions, it is imperative that we make sure the meat has been hygienically handled and prepared following well-established cooking conventions, that is, roasted for at least an hour till the temperature at the center of the pork reaches 150 degrees.", said Sen. Joe Biden (D) Delaware. "That should get rid of all the salmonella", he added.

If this strategy of pork consumption fails to produce the desired results, as a backup plan, insurgents are planning to hold a massive Koran burning rally in Baghdad, which will then be immediately followed by another rally to protest the Koran burning.

In related news, in wake of the latest violence occurring in Iraq, President Bush's approval numbers have gone down another notch, thus forcing the President to invite Sylvester Stallone to co-star in his newest photo-op with American troops in Iraq. Stallone is expected to be stellar in his role as a disillusioned American marine in Iraq, who gives up his life of murder and sin when he finds Faith and God in the forgiving arms of his commander-in-chief (played by George W. Bush). The photo-op is set to be aired on NBC on November 24th, just in time for Thanksgiving. Also, in an attempt to highlight the progress being achieved in Iraq, President Bush has praised allegations of rigging and ballot stuffing in the recent Iraqi constitutional referendum, which he claims, could be interpreted as signs of that nation's march towards an American-style democracy.

In other news, Congressman Tom Delay (R) Texas, who is currently under indictment for misusing campaign contributions, has started a website which accepts campaign contributions from people in order to help fight the indictment.

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