Monday, October 24, 2005

Terrorist leader urges Muslims to aid terrorism victims

In a magnanimous gesture of compassion, notorious terrorist and Al-Qaida’s second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri has urged all Muslims to help Iraqi victims of terrorism perpetrated by his followers.

Zawahiri made an appearance in a video aired on Al Jazeera television on Sunday in which he sat next to an assault rifle with a dove perched on it. "The infidel Zionists occupying Iraq deserve to be slaughtered without showing any mercy", declared Zawahiri, brandishing the weapon. "And in order to achieve this objective, if it is deemed necessary to martyr any innocent Muslim men, women or children along the way, then so be it. For that is Allah's wish."

"On a different note, terrorism is the biggest scourge of 21st century Pan-Arabia", continued the terrorist, showing the softer side of his persona. "And all Muslims affected by it deserve our sympathy and our whole-hearted support so that they can begin to collect the suicide-bombed shards of their lives and move on. May Allah bless their souls."

Following this speech, Zawahiri then released the dove into the air, as a symbol of peace, before immediately shooting it down with his rifle, as a symbol of the mercilessness with which Jihad needs to be implemented.

In other news, following widespread opposition to his proposed veto of the anti-torture bill introduced in Congress, President Bush has finally relented by announcing that the US will be abandoning it's borderline torture policy in Iraq, substituting it with a policy of brutal tickling.

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