Friday, October 07, 2005

Katie Holmes pregnant, Christians get ready for the second coming.

Christians all over the world are rejoicing at a report confirming that Katie Holmes' is pregnant. Holmes, who is engaged to be married to Tom Cruise, who is an actor and a practicing scientologist, is pregnant despite her claim of staying a virgin upto her marriage in December.

"She is the second incarnation of the Virgin Mary, who bore the baby Jesus without any assistance from her husband, Joseph", said Rev Billy Huffner of St Peter's Episcopal church, Tulsa Oklahoma. "It's an even greater miracle, considering that St Tom Cruise has been diagnosed with the condition of not being able to be a father. All these facts point to this infant being the new Messiah."

On hearing this news, Jews all over the world have commenced celebrations to mark their newly-found freedom from the title of "God's chosen people". Jon Stewart of the Daily Show on Comedy Central, commented that this begins a new era of non-persecution for the Jewish community. "We proudly pass this torch, of being the planet's most hated group, to the community of Scientologists. And now, I am ready for a vacation. You know, it's a huge weight lifted from my shoulders to know that the world won't keep trying to annihilate us anymore."

President Bush, on being informed of the impending birth of the Messiah, has expressed dismay, saying "So all these years when we were providing military and humanitarian aid to Israel in order to prepare the ground for the Messiah's second coming, we should have been paying more attention to Beverly Hills, California?"

At the time this article went to press, the Virgin Katie was lying in a manger in Beverly Hills, her face peaceful and glowing, having just had a facial at Marcy's on Sunset Boulevard. The Three Wise Men have yet to make an appearance, rumor on the street being, there 's a good chance it could be Ben Stiller, Ben Affleck and Ben Roethlisberger.

In other news, President Bush has requested the United Nations to authorize pre-emptive use of force against the Avian Nation in order to protect America and the World against the coming bird flu pandemic.

No comments: