My search for the worst ever Hindi film song is over.

I was watching a Hindi movie on AVS TV in the morning , just killing time, while the wife was fixing me an omlet. I had no idea what movie this was, since both the hero and the heroine seemed to have been lifted randomly from some group of dance extras, which I'm sure infest every film studio in the morning. After a commercial break, they showed the name of the movie, "Dil pardesi ho gaya". Nope, never heard of it. After investing an hour's worth of time on the internet searching for this movie, I finally found it. It took me an hour because I tried all possible combinations of the words dil, pardesi and gaya since I could not remember the exact name at the time.

So, this song began with Amrish Puri, dancing with the heroine in a garden. Before you think cradle robber, let me explain that Amrish Puri, it turned out, was the babe's daddy. And a Pakistani brigadier too. So, it was with quite a bit of bemusement that I watched Amrish Puri, supposedly a hardened armyman, perform the song wearing a chef's hat, which I named "The breakfast song". The song, not the hat. The actual name of the song is "aaj humne aap ke liye special breakfast banaya hai" (today, I have prepared a special breakfast for you).

The premise of the song was that the father-daughter relationship can be aptly compared to the process of serving and eating breakfast. Bizarre as this premise might be in itself, it was nothing compared to the actual execution of the premise. The method chosen for illustrating this comparison was to take a father-daughter emotion, look for a corresponding breakfast food item and juxtapose the two together. For example, "mamta ka glass" (the glass of love). So, following are some priceless excerpts from this song.

Amrish Puri, who obviously seems to be a morning person considering his sprightliness at this early hour of the day, has prepared breakfast for his daughter and is encouraging her to eat, using song and dance to support his case.

Based on my understanding of the concept, I have highlighted the emotion and the corresponding breakfast accessory in yellow.

Puri starts the song with a sickeningly chirpy greeting.

Good Morning Good Morning Good Morning
Very Very Good Very Good Morning

Jesus Christ, I hate seeing people be rambunctious so fucking early in the morning. No, I am not a morning person. Actually, I am a no-time-of-the-day person.

Chaliye Chaliye Tashreef To Rakhiye
Mohabbat Ki Kursi Par

Translation : Come on come on, please sit down on this chair of love.

Breakfast Sajaayaa Hai Khushiyon Ki Table Par

Translation : Breakfast has been served on the table of happiness.

Ye Pyaar Ki Plate Hai Jis Mein Taazaa Taazaa Omlet Hai

Translation : This is the plate of love in which has been served a freshly made omlet.

Toast Pe Lagaayaa Hai Makkhan Jaise Baaton Kaa

Translation : The butter of words has been applied to this toast.

Ok here in the song, there appears another person, presumably a kitchen helper of some kind, bearing on one arm a pitcher of milk and in the other, a jug of orange juice.

Taking the pitcher of milk, Amrish Puri proceeds to pour it into a glass, singing,

Mamtaa Ke Is Glass Mein Garam Garam Hai Doodh

Translation : This glass of love contains hot milk.

Then, taking the other jug and pouring the contents into another glass, Puri proclaims,

Chain-O-Aman Ke Jaar Mein Fresh Fresh Hai Juice

What the fuck is a chain-o-aman? Anyways,

Translation : The jar of Whothefuckknowswhatitis contains fresh juice.

And finally, the breakfast ends with :

Qudrat Ke Baagon Se Ham Fruits Lekar Aayen Hain

Translation : I have brought fruits picked from the garden of nature.

I don't know, this one was difficult. However, also the most meaningful line in the entire song.

After the song was over, I went into my bedroom, stood in front of my mirror, looked at my reflection and then proceeded to slap myself hard repeatedly till I had convinced myself that the song I had just witnessed actually existed and hadn't been a product of my imagination. And when my wife returned from the kitchen holding in a plate the omlet she had just prepared for me, I couldn't help thinking damn, this thing bears a serious resemblance to the desk lamp.

For complete lyrics to this song, click here.

And stay away from sharp objects once you are done reading. At least for a day. It's for your own good.